Parent Panic: Help! My Young Adult Refuses to Work or Go to College – Now What?

My 18-year-old child has no job, no interest in college, and spends all day at home doing nothing productive. They don’t seem motivated to take the next step in life, and any conversation about work or education turns into an argument or is met with indifference. I worry about their future, but I also don’t want to push too hard and damage our relationship. How can I encourage them to take responsibility and start building their future without creating constant conflict?

– Stressed & Depressed Parent of the Regressed | New York

Dear Stressed & Depressed Parent of the Regressed

I hear you—you’re watching your kid loaf around, jobless, college-less, and glued to the couch while you stress about their future. It’s frustrating as hell, right? You’re picturing them as a permanent basement dweller, living off your hard-earned money while you slowly lose your sanity.

But let’s take a step back. Nagging, yelling, and forcing them into a path they don’t want isn’t working—clearly. And the more you push, the more they resist. So what now?

First, Ask Yourself: Why Are They Stuck?

Before jumping to conclusions about laziness, consider:

• Are they lost? Some young adults freeze up when they don’t know what they want. The fear of failure can make them shut down.
• Are they struggling mentally? Anxiety, depression, or self-doubt could be at play.
• Are they uninspired? School and jobs feel pointless if they don’t see a future they care about.
• Have they always been handed everything? If they’ve never had to work for things, they might not feel urgency.

Figuring out the root cause is step one. If they’re struggling emotionally, pushing won’t help—you need to address that first.

Now, Here’s What You Can Do Instead of Lecturing Them

1️⃣ Talk, Don’t Attack – Instead of repeating “You need to get a job” for the hundredth time, sit down and ask: “What do you actually want to do with your life? What excites you? What’s holding you back?” No judgment, no nagging—just listen.

2️⃣ Expose Them to New Ideas – If they don’t know what they want, help them explore:

• Suggest volunteering, part-time gigs, or shadowing someone in different careers.
• Take them to networking events or job fairs (bribe them with food if you have to).
• Introduce them to people who’ve carved out unique career paths.

3️⃣ Let Natural Consequences Do Their Job – If they’re enjoying a rent-free, responsibility-free life, set some boundaries. No need for threats—just make it clear that adulthood comes with expectations. If they want freedom, they need to contribute.

4️⃣ Encourage, But Don’t Enable – You can support them, but don’t do the work for them. If they show interest in something, great—help them take steps. But if they refuse to budge, let them sit in their own stagnation for a bit. Reality has a way of waking people up.

Final Thought: You Can’t Want It More Than They Do

At the end of the day, they have to figure this out themselves. Your job isn’t to hand them a perfect future—it’s to give them the tools, guidance, and sometimes the necessary push. But forcing them? That’s a losing battle.

So take a deep breath. Focus on opening doors, not shoving them through. With patience, the right approach, and a little tough love, they’ll find their way—even if it’s not on your timeline. 🤞

– Love, Sage