Right mark subtly indicating validation seeking behaviour
by: contact@lifewhims.comPosted on:

Dark Side Insight | Validation-Seeking | “Likes, Lies & Lonely Nights”

“If applause is your oxygen, be prepared to suffocate when the crowd goes home.”

[Proceeds to overthink for 3-5 business days]

Lexi’s Opening Disclaimer 🔍

Public Service Announcement: This newsletter may cause sudden clarity, uncomfortable self-awareness, or the dangerous urge to actually implement good advice.

1. The Flaw in Focus

Overly validation-seeking: the itch to chase gold-star emojis, manager head-pats, or a partner’s constant “You good, babe?”—all at the expense of your own compass.

“The louder you ask, ‘Am I enough?’ the more you miss the whisper that says, ‘Absolutely.’”

2. What the Research Reveals

Primary FindingSource (★★★★★)Implication
55% of employees admit missing opportunities because they weren’t assertive enoughAcuity Training Survey 2024 [1]Low self-validation = stalled careers
Excessive external approval predicts higher burnout via boundary violationsRapp et al., 2021 J Appl Psychol [2]Need for praise → thinner work-life walls
Self-compassion interventions cut anxiety & stress (56 RCT meta)Xiao et al., 2023 Mindfulness [3]Internal validation is teachable & scalable
Most workers think they’re assertive, yet over half admit missed career chances due to low assertiveness

Most workers think they’re assertive, yet over half admit missed career chances due to low assertiveness

3. Real Talk: How It Shows Up IRL

Workplace

  • 11 p.m. inbox-refresh loop, praying for “Nice work!” on that deck.
  • Saying “Sure, happy to!” while your Sunday barbeque turns into a spreadsheet séance.
  • Performance review panic if the word “outstanding” is missing.
Person working late at night on a laptop while holding a coffee cup, illustrating workplace stress and late-night work habits

Person working late at night on a laptop while holding a coffee cup, illustrating workplace stress and late-night work habits alamy

Relationships

  • Needing five texts of reassurance before picking a restaurant.
  • Mirroring a partner’s opinion until you forget your own.

Pop Culture

Remember Black Mirror’s “Nosedive”? A 4.2 social rating or you don’t get the apartment—fictional, yet frighteningly familiar.

“When your worth is a group project, one teammate’s laziness tanks the grade.”

4. Why It Matters (and How It Hurts)

DomainPain PointData Bite
Personal Well-BeingAnxiety spikes with each “seen” but unanswered messagePsych Central 2022 review [4]
Relationships68% of partners report “walking on eggshells” around approval-seekersImpossible Psych Services 2024 [5]
WorkplaceValidation addicts show 33% lower innovation attemptsLinkedIn Leadership Report 2025 [6]
SocietyGen Z “like-count” stress linked to rising teen depression (survey of 1,764)Self-Compassion Bibliometric 2024 [7]

It ain’t cute. It’s costly.

5. Fix the Flaw: Tips & Tactics

3-2-1 Action Framework

3 Awareness Builders

  1. Daily Dopamine Audit: Note every time you open an app “just to check.”
  2. Rejection Rehearsal: Deliberately ask for 5% more than you expect. Survive the “no.”
  3. Body Barometer: When you hesitate to speak, scan shoulders—tense = external-validation alert.

2 Immediate Interventions

  1. Two-Sentence Rule: Before seeking feedback, write what you think first.
  2. 90-Minute “Like-Detox:” Phone on airplane mode during peak craving window.

1 Long-Term Strategy
Structured Self-Compassion Training—8-week program proven to cut rumination (g = 1.37) and boost internal validation [8].

“Confidence isn’t volume; it’s source material.”

6. Watch Out For…

  • Love-bombing bosses—compliments hooked to extra workload.
  • “Just wondering if you’re mad” texts after benign silence.
  • Insta-scroll spikes after any criticism.
  • Self-deprecating jokes fishing for counter-praise.
    [Waves tiny flag of passive resistance]
Silhouette of a man intently looking at his phone, symbolizing social media validation and approval-seeking behavior

Silhouette of a man intently looking at his phone, symbolizing social media validation and approval-seeking behavior alamy

7. Emotional Resonance Framework

We’ve all been there—refreshing Slack like a Vegas slot machine. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just a human wired for belonging. Swap shame for curiosity and test new patterns. You’re not alone; our whole community’s doing the reps.

8. Visual Decode

  • Survey bar chart above for quick scan (see Section 2)
  • Stock photos: late-night laptop grind; silhouette doom-scroll (yep, you just saw ’em)
  • Mini-Poll: “How many times do you check for likes per day?” (Drop your number; high score buys coffee.)
A diverse crowd enthusiastically applauding a single standing individual under a bright sky, symbolizing social recognition and spotlight moments

A diverse crowd enthusiastically applauding a single standing individual under a bright sky, symbolizing social recognition and spotlight moments alamy

9. Source List & Verification 🔗

  1. Acuity Training. “Assertiveness Stats 2024.” https://acuitytraining.co.uk ★★★★★
  2. Rapp D. J. et al. “Boundary Work as Buffer Against Burnout.” J Appl Psychol, 2021. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000951 ★★★★★
  3. Xiao Y. et al. “Self-Compassion Interventions Meta-Analysis.” Mindfulness, 2023. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-023-02148-x IF: 3.5 Q1 B2 ★★★★★
  4. Psych Central. “Approval-Seeking Behavior.” 2022. https://psychcentral.com ★★★★☆
  5. Impossible Psych Services. “Validation-Seeking in Relationships.” 2024. https://impossiblepsychservices.com ★★★★☆
  6. LinkedIn Pulse. “Validation Trap in Leadership.” 2025. https://linkedin.com/articles/validation-trap ★★★★☆
  7. Self-Compassion Research Landscape. 2024. https://kmel-journal.org ★★★★☆
  8. Wilson C. “Self-Compassion RCT Meta.” Mindfulness, 2019. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019 ★★★★☆

10. Mission: Probable 🎯

Level 1 – Micro-Practice (2 min)

Write a 20-word self-praise note and stick it where only you will see.

Level 2 – Weekly Challenge (15 min)

Pick one decision (lunch spot, playlist) and choose without polling anyone. Log mood before/after.

Level 3 – Deep-Dive Project

Enroll in a self-compassion MOOC. Track anxiety triggers pre/post with a simple 1-10 scale for eight weeks.

CTA: Hit reply and tell me your bravest “I didn’t ask for permission” moment this week. Bragging encouraged.

Teaser: Next issue—“Weaponized Niceness: When Charisma Covers Control.”

Stay sharp, stay human.
— Lexi 🔎

  1. https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/8354b5698406e7ea7f506acee2cd56ecb563b799
  2. http://doi.apa.org/getdoi.cfm?doi=10.1037/0278-6133.16.2.163
  3. https://www.ijfmr.com/research-paper.php?id=40045
  4. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/jts.22332
  5. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1468-2370.2007.00210.x
  6. https://www.jmir.org/2022/12/e41527
  7. https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/5a9df661eba38e2911b693a3f6a1c94d0412a21a
  8. https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/bf4cf4e9cbea6ec6945af49513f5fa1068e23472
  9. https://ijssrr.com/journal/article/view/2604
  10. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1495684/full
  11. https://stillmindflorida.com/mental-health/validation-seeking-and-underlying-mental-health-causes/
  12. https://bora.uib.no/bora-xmlui/bitstream/handle/11250/3001986/MAPSYK360_V22.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
  13. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/am-i-enough-what-validation-seeking-costs-chrissie-zavicar-tczyc
  14. https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/people-pleasing-understanding-the-roots-and-consequences
  15. https://www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2024/01/19/common-signs-of-validation-seeking-behaviour-in-relationships
  16. https://bora.uib.no/bora-xmlui/bitstream/handle/11250/3001986/MAPSYK360_V22.pdf?sequence=1
  17. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/breaking-free-damaging-effects-pursuit-external-workplace-owonte
  18. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGfh9QiVJow
  19. https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/18.01.144.20231104.pdf
  20. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3294263/
  21. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5383211/
  22. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/addressing-leaders-need-validation-foster-healthier-jaya-yn8cf
  23. https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/work/why-one-should-not-be-a-people-pleaser-as-per-psychology/photostory/120138676.cms
  24. https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-drives-our-need-for-approval
  25. https://www.nirandfar.com/stop-seeking-approval/
  26. https://www.timesnownews.com/lifestyle/relationships/work/are-you-constantly-seeking-validation-at-your-workplace-heres-why-its-wrong-article-108499729
  27. https://mitsu.care/blog/12-signs-of-people-pleasing-and-how-they-harm-your-mental-health/
  28. https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2016/Validation_seeking_motivation
  29. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9590683/
  30. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/648e1a523f34fd2b71edfef3/t/64bc7757ae356407ecafefac/1690072920113/Workplace_Validation_NL.pdf
  31. https://translational-medicine.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12967-023-04541-5
  32. https://cancer.jmir.org/2023/1/e46474
  33. http://medrxiv.org/lookup/doi/10.1101/2023.02.11.23285691
  34. http://www.thieme-connect.de/DOI/DOI?10.1055/s-0043-1775579
  35. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0272989X241275676
  36. http://www.revistas.usp.br/rsp/article/view/172231
  37. https://ijsrem.com/download/effects-of-social-media-platform-on-generation-z-in-personality-development/
  38. https://www.ssrn.com/abstract=2403135
  39. https://link.springer.com/10.1007/s10639-023-11781-x
  40. https://www.degruyter.com/document/doi/10.1515/cdbme-2021-2194/html
  41. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9116024/
  42. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1488890/
  43. https://www.chantellegrady.com/journal/2020/9/20/5-ways-to-stop-relying-on-external-validation
  44. https://www.scrum.org/resources/blog/scaling-approvals-and-decisions
  45. https://news.outsourceaccelerator.com/people-pleasers-burnout/
  46. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9810253/
  47. https://ir.lib.uwo.ca/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?params=%2Fetd%2F8546https%3A%2Fir.lib.uwo.ca%2Fcontext%2Fetd%2Farticle%2F11196%2F&path_info=auto_convert.pdf
  48. https://manhattanwellness.org/the-pros-and-cons-of-external-validation/
  49. https://www.naiop.org/globalassets/research-and-publications/report/examining-development-approvals-across-north-america/Examining-Development-Approvals-Across-North-America-Brief.pdf
  50. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-people-pleasing-leads-burnout-lois-melkonian-mcc
  51. https://www.rockandart.org/social-media-and-mental-health-impact-likes/
  52. https://www.ivysci.com/en/articles/4177569__SelfValidation_Theory_Confidence_can_Increase_but_also_Decrease_Performance_in_Applied_Settings
  53. https://durmonski.com/psychology/external-validation/
  54. https://www.qld.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0019/416116/development-building-approvals-factsheet.pdf
  55. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/toll-people-pleasing-how-sacrificing-self-leads-burnout-cazenave
  56. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1161300/full
  57. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/spanish-journal-of-psychology/article/abs/selfvalidation-theory-confidence-can-increase-but-also-decrease-performance-in-applied-settings/5C64DABB93C77636C4F60BF533C7B8EA
  58. https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/08/validation-self-esteem
  59. https://www.innerwest.nsw.gov.au/develop/development-applications/are-any-approvals-required
  60. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/hidden-toll-yes-why-being-people-pleaser-leads-burnout-meiyoko-taylor-3obre
  61. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36619138/
  62. https://www.numberanalytics.com/blog/self-validation-techniques-for-confidence
  63. https://karger.com/article/doi/10.1159/000538266
  64. https://dx.plos.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0305776
  65. http://apjcriweb.org/content/vol10no5/22.html
  66. https://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/10.21820/23987073.2024.2.62
  67. https://psj.umsha.ac.ir/article-1-1085-en.html
  68. https://www.kmel-journal.org/ojs/index.php/online-publication/article/view/581
  69. https://bmjopen.bmj.com/lookup/doi/10.1136/bmjopen-2023-078784
  70. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075241265766
  71. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13607863.2024.2374937
  72. https://journals.lww.com/10.1097/MD.0000000000037775
  73. https://dx.plos.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0285658
  74. https://www.researchprotocols.org/2024/1/e60154
  75. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12219947/
  76. https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/what-is-assertiveness-training
  77. https://journals.aom.org/doi/10.5465/amj.2011.0298
  78. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUMKeXSOdZU
  79. https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/integrated-modular-treatment-for-borderline-personality-disorder/general-treatment-module-4-validation/5129A6CB494C4C7AB7C8203919FE79E3
  80. https://trainingindustry.com/blog/leadership/5-tips-for-creating-an-assertiveness-training-program-that-works/
  81. https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Communication/Interpersonal_Communication/Interpersonal_Communication:_Context_and_Connection-OERI/12:_Interpersonal_Communication_in_the_Workplace/12.05:_12.5_Boundaries_At_Work
  82. https://purposefairy.com/71506/approval-seeking-behavior-let-go/
  83. https://concept.paloaltou.edu/resources/business-of-practice-blog/validation-in-dbt
  84. https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/shelter_training/professional_skills/assertiveness_course
  85. https://www.workplacestrategiesformentalhealth.com/resources/setting-healthy-boundaries-at-work
  86. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YGTXuzqmf4
  87. https://www.psychologs.com/external-validation/
  88. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39636677/
  89. https://www.abct.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/assertiveness.pdf
  90. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25620801/
  91. https://www.socialconfidencecenter.com/blog/stop-chasing-approval-do-this-instead
  92. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIO8CyUT8G4
  93. https://knepublishing.com/index.php/KnE-Social/article/view/16269
  94. https://doi.apa.org/doi/10.1037/pag0000839
  95. https://www.researchprotocols.org/2025/1/e60806
  96. https://ojs.sin-chn.com/index.php/mcb/article/view/598
  97. https://www.ijraset.com/best-journal/Assertiveness-Levels-among-Nurses-in-a-Hospital-Setting-in-Banepa-Kavre-District
  98. https://ijsra.net/node/6580
  99. https://doi.apa.org/doi/10.1037/apl0001231
  100. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/inr.13012
  101. https://www.jospt.org/doi/10.2519/josptopen.2024.1025
  102. http://doi.wiley.com/10.1002/14651858.CD015066.pub2
  103. https://www.allscientificjournal.com/assets/archives/2024/vol9issue2/9044.pdf
  104. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34424001/
  105. https://researchers.mq.edu.au/en/publications/self-compassion-interventions-and-psychosocial-outcomes-a-meta-an
  106. https://www.ijfmr.com/papers/2024/4/24519.pdf
  107. https://journals.aom.org/doi/10.5465/AMBPP.2022.11417abstract
  108. https://www.research.ed.ac.uk/en/publications/effectiveness-of-self-compassion-related-therapies-a-systematic-r
  109. https://www.acuitytraining.co.uk/news-tips/assertiveness-facts-research/
  110. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/january-2023/combating-burnout-with-boundaries
  111. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10239723/
  112. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10911359.2024.2371416
  113. https://oaktrust.library.tamu.edu/server/api/core/bitstreams/c7343acc-c4f1-4dd5-9c5e-6e45f0b07da1/content
  114. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37362192/
  115. https://journals.lww.com/jehp/fulltext/2024/07050/efficiency_of_assertiveness_training_on_the.203.aspx
  116. https://theenergyproject.com/overcome-burnout-culture-with-boundaries/
  117. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39511912/
  118. https://www.juliebjelland.com/hsp-blog/how-people-pleasing-affects-your-health-stress-burnout-and-chronic-illness-by-julie-bjelland-lmft
  119. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10050507/
  120. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10363943/
  121. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7954782/
  122. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1311473/
  123. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2739261/
  124. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2022.2146280
  125. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4477266/
  126. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11192831/
  127. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.697306/pdf
  128. https://sites.evergreen.edu/socialanimal/wp-content/uploads/sites/172/2016/03/FinalProject2.docx.pdf
  129. https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-06-dangers-people-pleaser.html
  130. https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/2D0914404C84B3F169732FF1D5E39420/S0003055422000880a.pdf/div-class-title-elements-of-external-validity-framework-design-and-analysis-div.pdf
  131. https://arxiv.org/pdf/2305.03219.pdf
  132. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5578404/
  133. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9951847/
  134. https://arxiv.org/pdf/2206.08649.pdf
  135. https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/pdf/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
  136. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11195958/
  137. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7324152/
  138. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10180635/
  139. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9565275/
  140. https://www.lidsen.com/journals/icm/icm-06-04-056/obm.icm.2104056.pdf
  141. https://www.psychologicabelgica.com/articles/10.5334/pb.398/galley/368/download/
  142. http://www.scirp.org/journal/PaperDownload.aspx?paperID=74689
  143. https://www.mdpi.com/2071-1050/13/20/11504/pdf
  144. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11808408/
  145. https://www.scipress.com/ILSHS.63.218.pdf
  146. https://www.bcsdjournals.com/index.php/jareas/article/download/716/388
  147. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5461750/
  148. https://ejournal.undiksha.ac.id/index.php/bisma/article/download/29622/pdf
  149. https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S2214782923000295
  150. https://www.mdpi.com/2039-4403/15/3/102
  151. https://www.mdpi.com/2227-9032/11/13/1874/pdf?version=1687937577
  152. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11944438/

Discover more from LIFEWHIMS

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a Reply