Straight Talk with Sage | Stop Walking on Eggshells

Dear Sage,

I’ve been married for seven years, and while I have a good relationship with most of my in-laws, I’m really struggling with my husband’s relationship with his mother. She’s always been very overbearing and critical of me. I’ve tried to stay patient, even when she makes passive-aggressive comments about how I do things in our home, but my husband always sides with her, no matter what.

The other day, she made a comment about how I should be doing more for his family, and instead of defending me, my husband got upset with me and started arguing with me on her behalf. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it feels like I’m constantly the one who has to adjust to her demands. It’s exhausting, and I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around both of them.

I love my husband, but I don’t know how to deal with this situation anymore. I feel like my feelings are dismissed every time, and my husband just doesn’t see that his mother’s behavior is a problem.

What should I do?

Sincerely, Frustrated and Alone in My Marriage | Vermont

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Alright, first off—feeling like you’re juggling eggshells while tiptoeing through a minefield in your own marriage? That sucks, and I get why you’re frustrated. It’s like your husband’s mom is auditioning for the role of “Queen of Criticism,” and your husband’s the ever-loyal court jester who never misses a chance to back her up. No wonder you’re feeling alone.

Here’s the unvarnished truth: you deserve respect and a partner who has your back. When your husband consistently sides with his mother, it’s not just a case of bad timing—it’s a pattern that’s chipping away at your emotional well-being. Marriage isn’t supposed to be a battleground where you’re constantly defending yourself. It’s about mutual support, and right now, that’s clearly off balance.

Actionable Steps to Change the Game

1. Have a Candid Talk with Your Husband
   • What to Do: Choose a calm moment (not in the heat of an argument) and lay it all out. Tell him, bluntly but kindly, how his siding with his mom makes you feel. Use “I” statements—like “I feel hurt when my feelings are dismissed”—so it doesn’t turn into a blame fest.
   • Why: If he doesn’t see his mom’s behavior as a problem, he might not realize how much it’s affecting you. Clear communication is the first step to shifting his perspective.
2. Set Boundaries Together
   • What to Do: Work with your husband to define what’s acceptable behavior from his mom. This could mean agreeing on limits for visits or conversations that lead to passive-aggressive digs.
   • Why: Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about preserving your mental health and establishing respect in your home. Think of it as a mutual rulebook for family interactions.
3. Consider Counseling—Individually or as a Couple
   • What to Do: If talking doesn’t lead to change, suggest seeing a therapist who can help both of you navigate these tricky family dynamics.
   • Why: Sometimes an unbiased third party can help break through the noise. Counseling isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a tool for building a stronger, healthier relationship.

Let’s be honest: if your household were a TV show, you’d be living in an endless season of “Family Feuds.” No one likes reruns of the same drama every week. It’s time for a plot twist where you both reclaim the narrative and start acting like the supportive partners you promised each other.

You’ve got every right to feel valued and respected in your marriage. It might be a tough conversation to have, but sitting back and hoping things magically change isn’t doing you any favors. Take these steps, own your feelings, and remind your husband that a marriage is a team sport—no lone players allowed.

Now, go ahead and set the stage for the change you need. You deserve a relationship where you’re not just surviving, but thriving.

– Sage