7 Steps To Completely Get Over Someone Once And For All

There comes a time in every failed love affair when it’s time to pick yourself off, get over someone and MOVE ON.

Maybe you two broke up and you still harbor lingering feelings for them even though it’s over.

Maybe you developed a crush on someone that just isn’t going away even though it will never work out.

In over 10 years of experience of coaching, I’ve come to the realization that staying stuck in heartbreak is one of the biggest wastes of human life and potential in our modern age.

And, I have wasted a lot of time in this cycle personally. I know how lousy it feels to really, really hope that someone is going to come back and change their mind about the breakup.

I know what it’s like to really want someone back and do ridiculous, petty, weird things to try and get their attention.

I also know the sweet, compassionate relief that comes from being disciplined around post-breakup thoughts and actions.

That’s why what I’m going to say next comes from a place of deep compassion.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this.

They are not “the one”– at least for right now.

No matter what happened, what kind of time you had with them, or what your relationship was like, they are not the one right now.

Also, you have not lost the only chance you have at love.

This means it is time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start moving on.

Whether you have reached the realization that the person is never going to change their mind right away or you have let the feelings grow to the point where the whole thing feels like it’s going to strangle you, I’m here to help you get over your breakup.

Here are my 7 steps to getting over someone as quickly as possible:

woman looking out window alone
Photo Credit: Envato Elements.

According to research, not only do frequent users of social media have less satisfying relationships, but staying connected to an ex on social media after a breakup is connected to higher emotional distress than people who made a clean break.

If you want to get over someone as quickly as possible, do not see or communicate with your ex.

You must not visit, write, text, call, “accidentally” run into them, send smoke signals or messages by carrier pigeon. You must also NOT return their communication.

If you do no other steps at all, no contact alone will help you heal from the breakup and eventually move on. This is THE essential step in getting over a breakup.

You aren’t being mean by not contacting them if they contact you. You are doing what you have to do, and I promise if you follow this plan that it will pay off. You must let go of communicating with them.

I’m all too aware of the little rush you get from hearing from your ex. If you truly want to get over someone, do not give in and talk.

Getting over someone and moving on is where the no contact rule truly shines.

While I understand if you have children or work with your ex that sometimes contact is unavoidable.

In these circumstances, do your best to be polite but non-engaging.

A response like a reciprocated “hello” is good.

Asking how their day is going while trying to send them telepathic messages about how they should want to be with you is not.

Do not engage with them. Think ‘friendly, but not friends.’

If this person was actually your friend, understand that you are hurting yourself by staying friends right now.

You cannot truly be friends with someone who you want a romantic relationship with.

You can re-evaluate the friendship idea later if you still want to (you might not).

If you are friends with them on social media, it’s time to unfollow, unfriend and otherwise stop keeping tabs on them.

The alternative is to waste your life and stay stuck, hoping that things will change.

According to research, not only do frequent users of social media have less satisfying relationships, but staying connected to an ex on social media after a breakup is connected to higher emotional distress than people who made a clean break.

Don’t concern yourself with whether or not this is polite, what they will think, what your friends will think or anything else. Just delete them.

Act like you’re on an addictive substance that will ruin your life if you come near it (you are, and it will).

If someone threw alcohol on you at a party and you were staying sober, you would wipe the alcohol off and try to avoid it right? You wouldn’t sprint over to the bar and start knocking back drinks.

Treat unintentional contact by this person like it is a snake that will bite you if you come too close. Stay away from your ex.

2. Remove mementos.

woman thinking of moving
Photo Credit: Envato Elements.

Now is the time to gather up any photos, items or gifts that they gave you/remind you of them.

Put the photos on a thumb drive and get them off your hard drive. Put all of these items in a box. If you’re feeling brave, go to the dumpster. If you aren’t, seal the box and ask a good friend to store it for a while.

Remove all triggers that make you think of your ex.

As you’re doing it, it’s okay to cry, relive those memories and say goodbye. I promise this will all feel better soon.

In addition, if you have shared business together, get all of that as resolved as you can. If they have some of your stuff, it’s time to deal with it now so that it doesn’t trip you up later.

I once kept a vehicle registered in both my ex and my names that way for YEARS because I was hoping for an eventual excuse to talk to him.

This is the kind of thing that you must avoid at all costs.

In addition, do not leave items with the other person hoping that some day they’ll want to return them and possibly get back together.

This kind of fantasy thinking will only keep you stuck– and in one-one coaching with clients, it’s on one of the first things I help people get past and debug.

Say good riddance and start to get excited about starting your new life.

3. Create lots of distractions.

friends partying
Image Credit: Envato Elements.

Do anything you can to keep yourself busy and your mind off your ex or whoever you’re trying to get over. If you have always wanted to take up competitive crochet, this is the time.

Now is the time to also pick up extra overtime at work and fill your social calendar.

Even if you want to stay at home and mope, force yourself out of the house. If you have to, use the reward system on yourself. Stay busy.

One caveat is to temporarily avoid any hobbies that the other person highly admired, does himself or is interested in.

For example, I love a good workout but I’m not a runner. My body rebels at the very thought of running.

One time after a particularly bad breakup, what did I pick up?



My ex loved running.

I hated every minute of it but I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was doing it so I could someday say something like, “Look, see! Those crushing problems in our relationship didn’t matter after all because I’m a runner too!”

Was this pathetic, hell yes. But this is the demented crap that heartbroken people often think is a good idea.

Today I’m thrilled that the running wasn’t the siren call to him that I had hoped because it was a boring relationship where we just didn’t click.

In the heat of the moment though, running seemed like an awesome plan.

*Note: driving by their house does NOT count as a distraction.

4. Vent.

women talking on couch venting to each other
Image Credit: Envato Elements.

Now is the time to vent to your best friend, your dog, your mailman and everyone else you feel comfortable with. Pass it around. Really wallow in it. I’m serious. Tell everyone.

I want you to talk about the breakup so much that even you’re sick of hearing about it.

This is to get the floodgates open so that you can move on and close them.

Public venting also creates accountability.

If you were just moaning about your inability to have a relationship with your ex to everyone and you backslide and start obsessing about him or her again, you’ll have your best friend to say, “um… I thought you were going to get over it?”

This is embarrassing and often helpful to the process of getting over it.

Give yourself a week of venting before the next step. You only get a week, so make it count. Continue the distractions during this time to get used to your new hobbies.

5. Quiet.

woman sitting on park bench back turned
Photo Credit: Depositphotos.

After your week of non-stop venting is up, it’s time to put a moratorium on all discussion of the person you want to get over.

Tell the same people that you vented to that if you bring the person up, they are to change the subject.

Ask your friends nicely to not bring them up in conversation or give you updates about how the person is doing.

If they screw up, forgive them and change the subject. You owe them after all, they listened to you moan for a week.

Not only should you stop talking about your ex to anyone else, it is essential to stop thinking about them.

Get one of those plastic bracelets for a cause and give it a hard snap every single time you start to think about the person.

Replace the thought with a positive affirmation about yourself. I like to use “I am whole, I am love,” but think of something positive that speaks to you.

Do not make it about the person who you are obsessing about. You’re trying to forget them, remember?

If someone asks about your bracelet, tell him or her it was a donation for a good cause and leave it at that. If you tell them all about how you’re trying to get over someone, that will only encourage more conversation about the subject. Leave it alone.

Note: a few years ago, someone commented on they thought this strategy to get over someone was self harm.

So, please don’t hurt yourself with the bracelet. It’s meant to be a gentle reminder to redirect, not torture. Please don’t do this if you have issues with self harm.

6. Be kind and optimistic to others (even if you don’t feel like it).

kind and compassionate conversation
Image Credit: Envato Elements.

When you’re going through heartbreak, it’s easy to get so tied up in your own feelings that the people around you who really require your love and attention get neglected.

Even though you are hurting, you must remember that this is not an excuse to hurt other people.

People also get sick of hearing about how love is terrible and you’ve been wronged. Complaining is not productive or attractive.

It might be hard to hear, but I would rather be the one to deliver this message before your friends and family start avoiding you.

Do not glare at happy couples either. You want to be part of one of those in the future right?

Don’t let your heartbreak become an excuse to let your attitudes toward others spiral the drain.

Do your best to remain optimistic about the future.

Or… if optimistic thoughts are just not available right now, do your best to bring your focus back to the present moment.

Getting over someone is small potatoes compared to the timeline of your whole life as long as you keep redirecting yourself into the present.

Getting stuck in the past is a habit of thought, not a truth. But you will waste your life on bitterness if you don’t find a way to redirect yourself right now.

7. Stay strong and repeat.

get over someone
Image Credit: Envato Elements.

After a while the feelings will fade. Right now you have been letting your mind run wild with “what ifs,” and that time is coming to an end. Resolve to stay strong. If you backslide on any of these steps, be kind to yourself and keep at it.

Pretty soon you will feel much better.

To get my help with your situation, I offer one-on-one coaching and support.

Check out my current coaching offers here.

get over someone

get over someone

Source link

Discover more from LifeWhims

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *